I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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