Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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