I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
