rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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