i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
