The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
