well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
