i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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