If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
