every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
