I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
