I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
