Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
