Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
