I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
