I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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