He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
