Cold hands, warm shart.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
