Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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