When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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