i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
