My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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