If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
