I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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