I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Too much gin, very little bucket
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
