I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My life is pants optional.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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