I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
