Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
