I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
