She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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