At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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