Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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