i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
