just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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