Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
