haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
