WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
