Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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