Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
