You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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