I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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