And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
