Sry I called you an 8
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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