I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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