I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
