I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
