my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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