I faked an abortion last night.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
