im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
