I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i think i just lost a toe
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