The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
