i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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