I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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