I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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