Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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