my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize