toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Swine flu. Run for my life!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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