but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
