She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
