Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
