he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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