Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Actions speak louder than pants.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
