My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
