fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize