Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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